There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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