Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
We need to rekindle our bromance
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
