He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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