I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
