he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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