hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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