i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
