just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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