my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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