You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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