There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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