I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
