Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
