this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
