So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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