We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
