Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I fill condoms, not promises.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
