batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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