Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She announced her abortion via fbk
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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