Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
