he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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