I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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