Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize
