so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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