Kiss
Puke
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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