You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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