I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
