Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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