I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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