I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
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