...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Pants are for mortals
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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