Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
