I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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