thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
