So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.