EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
