We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
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