i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When did angry sex become our thing?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
