Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
