she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Vodka?
Forever.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
