Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
