i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
