I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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