i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
