I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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