i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Im just a social blackout drinker.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
