I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
