Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Randomize
