I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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