while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
