Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
