I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Let's get the cat blown out
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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