Swine flu. Run for my life!
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
