I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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