Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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