I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
