I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
