It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
